One of the questions we hear most from separating parents is: “Are we going to damage the kids?” Usually asked with a healthy side serving of guilt, fear and oh-God-have-we-completely-stuffed-this-up?
The reassuring answer is: separation itself isn’t generally what causes children the most harm. What matters enormously is what happens after the separation – particularly how much ongoing conflict children are exposed to.
Children can adapt remarkably well to having two homes, different routines and parents who are no longer together. What they don’t adapt nearly as well to is being given a front-row seat to Mum and Dad: The Ongoing Hostilities Tour.
That distinction matters, because while you may not be able to save the relationship, you can still do an enormous amount to protect your kids from the fallout.
IT’S NOT THE SEPARATION. IT’S THE CONFLICT.
Research over many years has consistently shown that children tend to cope better with separation when the adults around them remain steady, loving and reliable. The problems arise when children are exposed to ongoing parental conflict, particularly when that conflict is frequent, intense, unresolved or involves the children themselves. Think:
“Tell your father he needs to…”
“What did Mum say about me?”
“Who was at Dad’s house this weekend?”
“Your mother is the reason we can’t…”
Or the classic interrogation disguised as casual conversation: “Soooo… what did you guys do at Mum’s?”
There’s a difference between being interested in your child’s weekend and conducting a cross-examination that would make a barrister proud.
Children shouldn’t be messengers. They shouldn’t be spies. They shouldn’t be referees. And they definitely shouldn’t be expected to decide which parent is right.
That’s adult stuff. Keep it with the adults.
WHY DOES PARENTAL CONFLICT AFFECT KIDS SO MUCH?
Children generally love both of their parents, which means when one parent attacks the other, the child doesn’t necessarily hear it the way another adult would.
They can feel torn between two people they love. They may worry that liking one parent is somehow betraying the other. They can start feeling responsible for keeping everyone happy.
Some children become incredibly good at managing their parents’ emotions – changing what they say depending on whose house they’re in, withholding information they think might cause an argument, or trying to keep the peace. That might look like a child who is “coping really well”, but it’s usually a child doing emotional work they should never have been given.
YOUR CHILD DOES NOT NEED YOU TO LIKE YOUR EX
This is important. You do not have to be friends. You don’t need to have Sunday dinner together. You don’t need matching Christmas pyjamas. You don’t need to sit together at school assembly looking like Gwyneth Paltrow personally supervised your conscious uncoupling.
Your children simply need permission to love both of you without feeling guilty about it. Obviously, that looks different where there are safety concerns, and we’ll come to that, but in an ordinary separation, one of the best things you can give your child is the freedom to have a relationship with their other parent without worrying about how you’ll react.
If they come home and say: “I had SO much fun at Dad’s!” you don’t have to reply: “Wonderful. Did he also manage to pay his child support?”
You can just say: “That’s great.” Even if it physically hurts.
SO, WHAT CAN YOU ACTUALLY DO?
The good news is that you have control over a significant part of this.
You cannot control your ex. We repeat: YOU CANNOT CONTROL YOUR EX. If we could teach people how to do that, frankly, we’d have a very different business model.
What you can control is what happens on your side of the fence. A few things make an enormous difference:
- Keep the kids out of the middle. Don’t use them to pass messages, gather information or communicate things you don’t want to say yourself. Your nine-year-old is not a process server.
- Don’t rubbish the other parent in front of them. Vent to your friend. Your therapist. Your lawyer. The steering wheel while you’re alone in the car. Not your child.
- Give them predictability. Children generally cope better when they know where they’re going, when they’ll see each parent and what life is going to look like.
- Keep communication boring. This is one situation where boring is excellent. Short. Polite. Child-focused. Factual. You’re discussing soccer training, not reopening arguments from 2017.
- Consider mediation. If you keep having the same disagreement and getting nowhere, family dispute resolution can help you work through parenting issues without turning every disagreement into World War III.
- Consider parallel parenting if cooperative co-parenting simply isn’t happening. Sometimes less interaction between parents is actually better. Each parent manages their own household, communication is limited to what is necessary, and everyone stops trying to force a co-parenting relationship that produces nothing but conflict.
- Get support for yourself. Separation is hard. Talk to friends, family, your GP, a psychologist or counsellor. Having somewhere appropriate to unload makes it much easier not to unload onto your children.
where the child will live;
BUT WHAT IF MY EX IS THE PROBLEM?
Ah. The question every family lawyer knew was coming. Maybe you’re reading this thinking: “Excellent advice. Please send it directly to my ex.”
Unfortunately, you can only control your own behaviour. That can feel spectacularly unfair when you’re making an effort to keep things calm and the other parent appears to have chosen chaos as a lifestyle. But protecting your children from conflict doesn’t require both parents to suddenly become model co-parents.
You can refuse to engage in unnecessary arguments. You can keep your communication measured. You can avoid retaliating through the children. You can create a calm, predictable home when they’re with you. And you can get advice about appropriate boundaries and parenting arrangements if the other parent’s behaviour is making things genuinely unworkable.
You don’t need to win every argument. Sometimes the win is simply refusing to participate in one.
A VERY IMPORTANT EXCEPTION: FAMILY VIOLENCE
This entire discussion comes with an important qualification. Family violence is not “parental conflict”. Abuse is not a communication problem. And keeping things “amicable for the children” should never mean tolerating violence, coercive control, abuse or behaviour that puts you or your children at risk.
Where there are genuine safety concerns, the priority is safety. That may require stronger boundaries, reduced communication, supervised arrangements or Court intervention depending on the circumstances.
If family violence or child safety is an issue in your situation, tell your lawyer. What is appropriate for a low-conflict separation may be completely inappropriate – and unsafe – in yours.
YOUR KIDS DON’T NEED A PERFECT SEPARATION
There probably isn’t such a thing. There will be difficult conversations. Someone will forget the school hat. Christmas arrangements may require negotiations of a complexity usually reserved for international peace treaties. You will probably receive a text from your ex at some point that makes you want to throw your phone directly into the ocean.
The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is to make sure your children aren’t carrying the emotional weight of a relationship breakdown that belongs to the adults.
Children can have two homes and still feel secure. They can have separated parents and still have a wonderful childhood. They can have a family that looks completely different from the one you originally imagined – and still be happy, loved and okay.
Separation changes a family. It doesn’t have to ruin one. And if you can keep your children out of the conflict, you’ve already done something incredibly important for them.
This isn’t legal advice. It’s general information written by people who do give legal advice when you actually hire them. Don’t wing it based on a blog – call us before things get messier.
